"For God's sake Danny!"
Alison was not her usual welcoming self.
"You're such a drama queen. No wonder Jack loses patience with you. You're a spoilt brat, always have been. He's entitled to invite his friends over once in a while. Being polite to them for a few hours wouldn't kill you."
I clenched my fists, hurt that she'd started yelling about ten seconds after I'd opened my mouth. "Well thank you for those kind words Claire _f_u_c_k_ing Rayner. I thought you of all people would be on my side. I'll take my unwanted over dramatical presence elsewhere, and incidentally, you're a bit of a Rada graduate yourself when you want to be."
"Danny..." Ally reached for me, but I was in high dudgeon and determined to make her feel guilty for not being sympathetic enough. I marched huffily towards the hall.
My dignified exit didn't quite come off. I tripped over a pile of Teletubbies, or were they Tweenies, cunningly situated in the sitting room doorway, sprawling face first onto the carpet. "Bloody hell Ally, don't you ever tidy up?" I raised myself to my knees and looked up at her. Her mouth twitched as if she was trying not to laugh. I burst into tears, real shoe shakers.
"I'm sorry Danny." Her arms were wrapped tight about me, my head nesting comfortably under her chin as I cuddled up to her on the couch. "I'm in a cow of a mood today. Even Den couldn't stand to be with me. He's buggered off out with the kids. Tell me what happened last night to upset you this much."
I proceeded to give a detailed account of the previous evening, with myself as injured and misunderstood hero of course. "Can I stay with you sis, just until I find a place of my own." Saying the words aloud, with all their lonely implications, made me cry harder. I'd had one brief experiment of living alone and I'd hated it.
"Danny love," she stroked my hair tenderly, "this has been your home since you were ten years old, of course you can stay here. Where else would you go in a crisis? And that's all this is, a temporary crisis. This business with Jack will blow over. It's not as if he hasn't been mad at you before. You've set fire to his kitchen, flooded the bathroom, crashed his car into the front of the house and incinerated his computer. Why should a little thing like being rude, justifiably from the sound of it, to one of his friends make him go off you?"
I sniffed miserably, "it's the camel thing, you know, the last straw and all that."
"I didn't know Jack had a camel, how the hell does it manage to get its humps through the cat flap?"
"S'not funny Ally."
"I know, and I'm not trying to make light of things, just to put them in perspective. Who is this Tristan character anyway?"
"He's an 'old and valued' friend of Jack's, interpret that how you like. Jack lets him walk all over me, then gets cross when I retaliate. He never once stuck up for me last night. Do you know what he called me Al, Tristan I mean?" I sat up, wiping away tears with the heel of my hands, allowing indignation to cancel out misery. "He said I was a tiresome, mongrel puppy that hadn't been properly housetrained, and that I would soon lose my appeal."
"The cheeky bugger!" Alison's blue eyes blazed. "Tell me where he lives, I' ll go round there and punch his lights out, not his car lights either."
She would too, she was a complete lunatic when roused. I kept Tristan's address to myself and continued to hook her sympathy and support. "He told Jack I was too young and immature for him and he ought to send me away until I'd grown up and learnt how to behave properly. He's after Jack for himself, I'm sure of it."
"The smarmy _s_h_i_t_! I was married to Den when I was your age. Give me his address Dan, I'll fix his game."
"What's wrong?"
Dennis seemed to materialise from thin air. For a big man he could move very economically. Neither of us had heard him come in. He dropped his car keys on the coffee table, in among piles of Duplo bricks.
I flung myself at him, bursting into a fresh storm of tears. I was enveloped at once in a comfortingly warm bear hug.
"It can't be as bad as all that." He patted my back, "what have you done-played Frisbee with his favourite CD collection?"
"Nothing, honest." I knew I had all of Ally's allegiance and affection. Dennis was a tougher nut to crack. I went straight for an Oscar nomination in the spurned lovers category. "He's dumped me Den! Jack's dumped me. He doesn't love me anymore, he puts his friends before me. He was really mean last night, and I'd gone out of my way to make it a nice evening. Can I come home? " Move over Di-Caprio, I was acting him off the set.
"Aren't you being a tad Laurence Olivier, Daniel?" Dennis held me at arms length and surveyed me with a practised eye. "What happened?"
"He's been dumped, d-u-m-p-e-d, does he need to spell it out?" Ally burst in on my drama in strong supporting actress role. "And it's all your bloody fault!"
"My fault!" Den's mouth gaped in astonishment, "and how did you make that reality leap?"
"Jack's your friend. You introduced them. You must have known he had a history of leading vulnerable young men on and casting them aside when he'd finished toying with them." She waved her arms in a way Shirley Bassey would have been proud of. "And I bet you knew he had this other man waiting on the sidelines."
"What other man? What the hell are you on about woman?"
"Where are the kids?" She suddenly changed tack."
"I left them with my parents so we..."
"Oh," she interrupted him, "so, you're saying I'm a lousy mother. My brother isn't good enough for your posh _f_u_c_k_ing friend and I'm not good enough to be the mother of your children. Fine!" She began wildly scrabbling amongst the building bricks on the table. I had by then stopped crying. I'd also completely lost the plot. Den had the look of a man who had never had a handle on the plot in the first place. Alison finally located the car keys.
"Put those down Alison, you're in no state to drive." Dennis eyed her sternly. "I mean it Alison, give me the keys. NOW!"
She smiled sweetly. "Get stuffed."
Oh God!! I'd imposed my crisis on them when they were obviously in the middle of one of their own. Alison stumbled and Den reached out a protective hand to steady her. She slapped it furiously away, screaming. "I may be a _f_u_c_k_ing cripple, but I don't need you to keep me on my useless feet."
Dennis ran hands of frustration and despair through his hair. "What the hell is the matter with you lately?"
Alison turned to me. "Know what Danny? Jack giving you the elbow might just turn out to be a blessing in disguise. At least you'll get to have a little fun in life. Are you coming for a drive with me?"
I swallowed. Alison's driving was bad enough when she was relaxed. In her present mood it would be like being a passenger in a hearse with an empty coffin waiting for an occupant.
"No," Dennis, thankfully, asserted his authority. "He's staying here. You on the loose in this state is bad enough. The two of you on the rampage would be unthinkable. Now hand over those keys."
"I don't bloody think so!" Alison gave him a look that would have withered a lesser man. "I don't need your permission to go out. I signed a marriage certificate, not a bond of slavery."
She moved with surprising agility for someone with a disability. The front door slammed. Moments later the sound of a car engine and a screech of tyres indicated that Alison had left the vicinity big time.
"_s_h_i_t_!" Dennis uttered a rare expletive. He turned to me. "You know where your room is – go to it."
"Deeeeniis!!" My jaw dropped faster than an elevator in a disaster movie. "I haven't done anything wrong. I...I..." I was lost for words.
"Knowing you Daniel I very much doubt that. There's more to this business than meets the eye. I'm going to contact Jack and get his version of the drama. If I discover that you've been milking and manipulating Alison's affection for you and hyping her up, I'll spank you until you can't sit down, then I'll hand you over to Jack to deal with. Is he at home?"
"No," I said quickly, "I don't know where he is. He went off without bothering to tell me. Probably gone to his new boyfriend's house."
Den gave me a, do-I-have-to-repeat-myself-about-you-going-to-your-room-look, and I hastily stumped up the stairs feeling all of twelve years old. I was pleased that my room was much as I'd left it. It meant something that my sister and brother in law had not turned it into a games room or computer room the moment I moved out. I lay on the bed, hands behind my head, and stared up at the ceiling wondering what was going on between Alison and Dennis. My stomach turned as for once, I contemplated someone else's troubles instead of my own. Dennis was the closest to a father I'd ever had and Alison, well Alison was Alison. She was my big sister, my friend and confidante, my co-conspirator upon occasion, and my comforter when things went wrong. I loved them both. I couldn't stand to think of things not being right between them.
There was a brief knock and the door opened. I glanced up, "is Ally back?"
Den's expression was not encouraging. He shook his head and said in a strangely understated voice. "I managed to track Jack down to his office. He was surprised that you didn't know where he was as he'd left you a note on the kitchen table this morning."
"Really?" I turned on my side, facing away from him, petulantly glaring at the wall.
"Yes really."
There was a movement of matter through air and I let out a squeal as his big hand struck my backside.
"Furthermore, he told me exactly what transpired last night and in my opinion you got just what you deserved. You behaved like a wilful, naughty child and you were punished like a naughty child."
I sat up furiously. "Am I the only person in the world who doesn't have a private life? Jack had no _f_u_c_k_ing right telling...aah...no...please Den...I' m sorreee." He sat down on the bed and hauled me across his lap. I reached desperately behind myself, in a vain attempt to protect the bottom that was still slightly sore from Jack's administrations of the night before.
"Apparently," Den, with the ease of long practice, gripped my wrist and held it fast, he then pitched his voice an octave higher than my yelps, "Jack now fears early onset dementia as he has no recollection whatsoever of having dumped you. Nor does he remember starting an affair with Tristan."
Den's hand and voice worked in perfect synchronisation. I'd forgotten about his ability to lecture and spank simultaneously. My howls and pleas for mercy left him unphased.
"He said to tell you that you're to stay here, and that he'll collect you when he's finished at the office. He said he would be discussing your theatrical propensities in some detail. He said while you might be the lead actor, he's the director, and he'll decide how the play ends."
"When it comes down to it," I yelled, in a sudden burst of defiance, "he's a bit of a gob_s_h_i_t_e isn't he?" Den made known his disapproval at my choice of language then left me crying on my bed to worry about my fate when Jack caught up with me. It wasn't fair, I ruefully rubbed my flaming rump, none of this was my fault.