I'm Bart Simpson. Who the Hell Are You?


by Boyorion

It was after lunch on Saturday when I cracked it. I'd found the key to inter-dimensional travel and as I hit the 'enter' key on my computer, I was amazed and elated to see the gateway to an inter-dimensional wormhole open up in my bedroom. I had no idea where it lead or what was going to be waiting for me on the other side, but I thought knew that I could return home at any time. The wormhole's co-ordinates were safely stowed in my computer and also in the handheld portal key, which resembled a remote control, that I had with me.

I was so excited I could barely breathe. I was going to be the first person in history to travel to another dimension. With a deep breath and a sign of the cross I lept into the vortex.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!!"

I was shot through the wormhole at what must have been close to the speed of light. Twisting an turning through loops and bends until a bright light appeared at the other end. I punched through the other end of the wormhole and felt myself fall. I hit the pavement and rolled, before looking up to see the portal close up.

Composing myself, I stood up and brushed myself off. "Oh, my God." I said out loud. "Oh, my God! I'm yellow! Oh, my God! I've only got four fingers on each hand!"

Walking out of the alley I had landed in, I tripped over a skateboard and landed flat on my stomach, my face in the grass near the footpath.

"Geez, are you alright, man?" A young voice asked me.

I stood up to see who was talking to me, obviously the owner of the skateboard. I couldn't believe my eyes, but I just had to ask. "Yeah, I'm okay. What's your name?"

"I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?"

"Um... Ah... Oh, my God." Was all I could come out with.

"Nice to meet you, Amar Omigod." Bart said in a friendly voice.

"No, sorry. My name's Dan. I'm a traveller from another dimension." It wasn't until I finished that sentence that I realised how silly I must have sounded. The look on Bart's face made it obvious he though I was insane.

"O... K." He said with a mildly concerned look on his face.

"Is this Springfield?" I asked, looking around.

"Sure is, man."

"Oh, wow! I can't believe I'm here!"

"Don't have a cow, man. It's only Springfield." With that, he skated off. As he skated away, I noticed something in his back pocket. It wasn't his usual, pantented slingshot. It kind of look liked a remote control. Checking my pockets, I realised what it really was. It was my way home!

"HEY!" I called out and started running after him.

I'd lost site of him a few times, but managed to keep up. Throughout the chase, Bart kept looking back at me and laughing before speeding up. Finally, I cornered him at the back of an abandoned factory on Industry Way. I grabbed him by the shoulders and, after catching my breath, pinned him against the wall.

"Give it back!" I demanded.

"Givewhat back?" Bart asked, matter-of-factly.

Sitting on an upturned garbage can, I placed the hell-raiser over my lap and took the portal key out of his pocket and held it in front of his face.

"This!" I scolded.

"Oh, that! Why didn't you just say so!" Bart said, cheekily.

I was at my wits end. I had just chased this kid all through town and he had the nerve to play mind games with me. Bart was still over my lap and that's when I had the brainwave. I had the opportunity to do something I had dreamed about ever since I had first started watching 'The Simpsons.'

"Now," I began, in a stern voice, "I'm gonna show you what happens to naughty little boys who pick-pocket people from another dimension!" I pulled his shorts down to his ankles, and he started to struggle.

"Hey!" He called out. "What are you doing?"

Then I pulled his underpants down, exposing his round, bouncy, yellow bottom. Bart was shocked into silence. Out of sheer curiosity, I pulled his cheeks apart and looked at his little butthole. It was pink and looked hot and tight.

Holding him down with my left arm, I raised my right hand as high as I could get it and brought it down hard.

SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!

"Oww! Quit it!"

SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!

"Oww, man!"

SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!

After twenty hard smacks, Bart's bottom had turned from yellow to pink. He wasn't crying and he had stopped struggling or calling out. He just lay there, resigned to his punishment with his arms folded and a grimace on his face.

SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!

I was amazed that his bottom behaved the same as if he was from my own dimension. It was bouncy, soft and rippled when the blows fell. I decided to make the last smacks count.

SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!

The last twenty smacks were the hardest I could muster. Bart's bottom was now a deep crimson and felt hot when I rubbed it. I let Bart up. He pulled his pants up and stood in front of me, still silent, still with his arms folded and still with a grimace on his face.

"Well, that was fun." I said. "But, I've gotta go now. Nice spanking you, Bart."

With that, I pointed the portal key at the wall and pressed the button. The wormhole opened up and Bart's jaw hit the floor. With a friendly wave, I jumped into the vortex. I didn't scream this time as I knew what to expect as I twisted and twirled through the wormhole. Then a light appeared and I punched through the other side, back into my own room.

As I landed, I thought to myself: "How convenient. I landed on my bed." As I looked around, I thought to myself: "How convenient. A jar of Vaseline."


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