Day 6, Saturday, September 21
Sir, again I have to apologize for my handwriting. Iīm lying on the bunk, my legs are a bit weak but I feel fairly OK compared to yesterday and last Wednesday. I donīt know whatīs happened to me. Itīs like Iīm getting used to pain, like Iīve been in pain all my life. Iīve also decided to fight my fear and not succumb to it. I donīt ever want to break down again, I donīt want any more tranquilizers and I wonīt beg for mercy any more. Iīm not a baby, Iīm a man, and Iīm going to cope with this situation like a man from now on.
I did well on the rack today, I think. Oh, I cried some and yelled some, but I didnīt faint or wet myself, and in a strange way I felt in control most of the time. I only had 25 today, which was pretty lenient compared to my two previous whippings. Still, I had a tougher go on account of the state my ass was in, so Iīve decided to be proud of todayīs performance. Iīm going to take the next 26 just as well. After that, I sure could use a break.
Thank you, sir, for giving me another 25 points for my yesterday paper. Iīll try to keep up that standard. I read your comments very carefully and try to figure out what you mean. You told me I tend to "think lazy", like when I compared myself to Robin Hood and that stuff, and Iīve pondered upon that a lot today. I think I get what you mean. I acted out of selfishness, mr Hood had higher ambitions. And Nicholas Cage was pressed to steal those cars out of loyalty, though heīd already decided to go straight. Guess thereīs no real watertight defence for what Iīve done. If youīre ambitious and set goals for yourself, youīll get somewhere in your life. I didnīt, I just went with the flow. I had some dimwit illusion that society owed me. If I were to start all over again, I would try to fit in from the beginning. I mean, OK, mom and dad threw me away, but I did have my gramps and my aunt havenīt mentioned her before, but she was always very nice to me.
These thoughts really go well with my new assignment, sir, your timing is perfect. I am to write a list of every person Iīve wronged in one way or another. Iīve worked on it all day and itīs a very long list, sir, I got together 49 names and Iīm not sure Iīve remembered them all. I attach it as usual to this paper.
You also explained to me that the treatment here is divided into five steps. When Iīm done here, Iīll be transferred to another ward, and that will also be the end of the rubbers and woolies. Iīm very grateful that you told me this, sir, it makes me even more motivated to behave. Sir, you mentioned no time limit, but I guess thatīs individual? I look forward to getting on with my treatment. I look even more forward to getting rid of the rubbers. My anus (thank you, sir, for telling me the proper word) is so sore from the plug that I have difficulties emptying my bowels, itīs like Iīm _s_h_i_t_ting fire. Right now, I donīt even know if Iīll be able to sit down at all, itīs painful enough to move around and when I tried squatting earlier this afternoon, I got dizzy with the pain. I know it will be even worse tomorrow, I wonder what will happen if I canīt use the loo. Well, I guess Iīll soon find out. I havenīt even taken a leak yet today, except this morning, before I had my enema, but Iīll have to go soon.
I hope the transfer means Iīm getting to do something useful, sir, I mean manual work or sports or anything, Iīve always been a restless guy and being confined like this makes my skin crawl. I spent seven weeks in custody before I came here, too, but there I was let outside an hour or two every day, and that made a big difference. Couldnīt do much workout now, hardly being able to walk straight, but I hope Iīll heal quickly. Being isolated and having to think and write every day has made me go soft, too. Iīd like to be around other people and be able to speak more freely. If it werenīt for these "talks" with you, sir, I think Iīd really flip.
Sir, I need to tell you that Iīve broken the rule of no touching. I want to tell you this myself, though I think you may know already. I havenīt seen any camera devices in here, but nevertheless I feel observed all the time, maybe Iīm going crazy, I donīt know and donīt care much right now, either. Sir, Iīve touched my butt at least four times since Wednesday. I had to, I imagined all the skin was gone and I was bleeding and wouldnīt know it until I passed out, and Iīd be lying here bleeding for hours before anybody noticed, and then it would be too late. Iīm prepared to be punished for this, sir, and I wonīt do it again. To be honest, I can understand that youīve forbidden masturbation, because most older people seem to think thatīs disgusting, and the chief here must be at least 60 y o, but I still donīt understand why Iīm not allowed to touch my behind. I have serious troble following rules I donīt understand, but Iīm working on it, sir, I really do.
Sir, I still have one sheet and a half left to write, but I have to take a break here and try to fix a visit to the loo.
Later.
Sir, I tried very hard but I couldnīt sit down on the toilet seat because of the pain and swelling. I kneeled and asked the warder to please let me urinate standing up. My plea was denied. Instead he put me in diapers.
Iīm standing at the desk writing these last papers, the warderīs supervising it and he wouldnīt let me lie down on the bunk as before. I donīt wear the rubbers anymore and would really feel good about it if it wasnīt for the diapers. When Iīm finished I am to lie down on the bed and have my hands cuffed behind my back, so I wonīt try any "funny stuff with my penis" during the night, as the warder put it. Sir, thatīs the last ting Iīm thinking of. I have a sore butt approximately the size of a horseīs ass and havenīt slept properly for a week, Iīll never be able to sleep with my hands cuffed. Sir, you told me you were going to break me, and I am broken now, please let me keep some human dignity, Iīd rather take another 50 lashes than wear diapers. I canīt bring myself to piss in them and I desperately need to relieve myself. I donīt want to think about what Iīm going to do if I have a bowel movement.
The warder tells me Iīve written enough. I have to stop here.
Day 7, Sunday, September 22
Last night was the worst ever. I couldnīt hold back my urine for very long after I was left on the bunk, and around midnight I had an attack of diarrhoea, from the tension, I guess. I had to lie in wet and soiled diapers until morning, because I was told that noone would answer my door during the night for toilet reasons as long as I had diapers on. It burned like h*** in the wounds, sir, and after six oīclock, when the day routine begins and Iīm allowed to call for attention, I had to kneel for 45 minutes before I was taken to the shower room and changed. I kneeled there and asked could I please be allowed to have a try on the loo again, but the warder told me that if I couldnīt fix it yesterday, I wouldnīt today or tomorrow, either. This means I have to spend two more nights AND days, because Iīve had the cuffs on all day except at breakfast and lunch and as Iīm writing this - like this and on Wednesday Iīm about to receive my next 26 lashes. All right, I actually donīt think I would be able to sit, but this is inhuman, sir. I apologize for questioning the treatment, but wearing diapers like a baby wonīt make a man out of me, sir.
Iīm writing this under supervision, and I donīt think Iīll be able to write four pages since Iīm having trouble standing up all the time, I had to lie down a while ago because my head was spinning, and the warder seems impatient with me.
Thank you, sir, for giving me 10 points for the stuff I wrote yesterday. You donīt mention my breaking of the no touching rule, and it puzzles me. Does that mean that you wonīt punish me for it, or am I in for a bitter surprise? I worry a lot about Wednesday, maybe getting into the punishment room and being told that Iīll have another 50 lashes to the 26, or maybe more, I donīt know how serious this is. Iīd appreciate if you would let me know your stand, sir.
Another puzzling thing is your note that I left out several important persons from my list. You mention my parents and my teachers. I donīt know what to say. The teachers, all right, maybe I wronged them by acting the way I did, causing them trouble and headaches, I can understand that, sir, and Iīve put them on the additional list. But my parents? Sir, I told you my story in my first paper, and I canīt figure out how Iīve wronged them. Iīd rather say itīs the other way around. I havenīt seen my father for fifteen years, how can I have wronged him? And my mother never wanted me anyway. Am I responsible for everything thatīs gone wrong in my life? Even having the two of them as my parents? Iīve almost felt like an orphan all my life. Sir, I need you to tell me how to think on this issue. I wonīt put them on the list until I understand why. Iīve added a couple of other persons, though.
The warder says Iīve written enough now. Iīm happy enough to lie down but sir, I canīt bring myself to accept the handcuffs and diapers. I havenīt filled my four pages, either, sir, and I hope Iīll be allowed to continue writing after supper.
Sir, one thing before I finish what is the purpose of the points?
Day 8 , Monday, September 23
I think thereīs something wrong with me. My butt is throbbing and seems very hot sir, I havenīt touched it, but it kind of burns and when I urinate itīs like I had barbed wire coming out of me. I also feel dizzy and nauseous and tired. I still have diarrhoea attacks on and off. Iīve spent two nights and two days in handcuffs and diapers, and I donīt think itīs healthy. Small kids have their diapers changed frequently. I donīt. Iīm changed before meals, thatīs three times a day, and at night I have the same diaper on for at least twelve hours, depending on how fast I get out in the morning. Iīm not allowed to have it changed during the night, Iīve asked but was told that Iīm not getting out of my cell between 6 and 6 unless thereīs a fire. I reckon a burning butt doesnīt count.
If my handwriting is worse than usual itīs due to wearing the cuffs around the clock. I donīt mean to whine, sir, but I thought I was well on my way to adapt to this place, and that you were satisfied with my progress, sir, since you gave me the points. Iīm getting nowhere right now. Of course I still have lots of time to think, but I canīt write down my thoughts as they come, and when Iīm allowed to write, itīs only for half an hour. I also have trouble concentrating on anything else than my aching body and the f***ing diapers when Iīm cuffed in bed. Sir, itīs really getting on my nerves, I canīt take this much longer now.
Thank you, sir, for putting me right about my parents. Of course theyīre the reason Iīm alive, and I should be grateful and honour them for that by behaving well. I can accept that, sir. Iīm putting them on the list as well. Iīve also put you there, sir. I only wrote Sir, because I donīt know whoīs reading this, but I feel Iīve wronged you by breaking the no touching rule and being _c_o_c_k_y and disrespectful at first.
Sir, you ordered me to write a letter of apology to each of the persons on the list. I will do that, sir, but right now I have very little time to write, and I have to think carefully of what Iīm going to say to all these people. I therefore ask permission to start writing on Tuesday, when I hope Iīm out of the diapers and back to normal routines.
You also told me to suggest a fair punishment for breaking the no touching rule, sir. Sir, please, I canīt say. To quote the warder I met the first day, the one who drove me here: Iīm not calling the shots here, you are, sir. Please sentence me to what you think is appropriate.
Sir, I apologize, but I have to lie down. I donīt feel well at all and I think Iīll faint if I keep standing. This is a very short paper. If you decide I am to be punished for not fulfilling my commitment, sir, I accept whatever is coming to me.
Day 9, Tuesday, September 24
Sir, I thank you a thousand times for sending the doctor here. I was told that happens rarely, and that I am lucky. I had a terrible night. I puked all over the floor and soiled myself completely, the bed was full of crap. The warder got very upset with me this morning. He took me to the shower room and after I īd been washed down with the hose I had ten lashes bent over the rack. Afterwards I had to clean the room, wearing nothing but the diapers, and he wouldnīt allow me to get dressed when I was done in case Iīd soil myself again. He just handcuffed me and left me alone in the cell. I was certain by then that I was getting really sick. I couldnīt keep my eyes open, and everything felt unreal. I had strange dreams though I wasnīt actually sleeping. It was like having an acid trip, only spookier.
The doctor arrived at lunchtime and examined me. She gave me a couple of shots and told the warder I was to be left bareassed during the day and only wear diapers at night. I wasnīt allowed to use the loo as long as I was this ill. The bunk was remade with a plastic sheet, and instead of the cuffs I had a neckring put on, with cuffs in separate chains. Theyīre short enough to prevent me from masturbating or touching my butt, but I can write and move around more freely. I also had a bucket to use if Iīm nauseous again or if I have to relieve myself during the day. Iīm still trying to figure out how to use it for toilet purposes, but Iīm very grateful for it, sir, really. Iīm feeling a bit better now, but Iīm still tired and dizzy.
I also thank you, sir, for explaining the points system to me. I used five points today, asking for a book to read. Iīm not allowed to chose for myself, but I donīt care as long as Iīll have something to read. Maybe Iīll get it tomorrow. Iīm really looking forward to it.
Iīve also started on my first letter. Itīs to my grandparents. Sir, itīs a very important letter, thatīs why Iīm doing it first of all, but it will take some time to finish, thereīs much to be said. Iīd really like them to have the letter, sir, if itīs possible. If I hadnīt put myself in this pinch I wouldīve been able to visit them and talk to them, apologize for treating them badly. My grandmother was quite ill at the time I was put behind bars. She was diagnosed with cancer two years ago, and she seems to get worse all the time though sheīs getting all kinds of treatments. And I was always too busy to see her, I just popped in now and then, never staying for more than maybe half an hour. I feel very bad about that now. I guess she wonīt stay alive until Iīm out of here.
Sir, you ordered me to write down what Iīve learned so far. This is what Iīve come up with: Iīm not superiour to others. Iīve caused a lot of harm to other people. I have a bad attitude and have been very selfish all my life. Iīve been very irresponsible. Iīve also lied too much, not only to others but to myself I reluctantly suppose I deserve getting punished. It wonīt erase my wrongdoings, but itīs kind of a payback, anyway. I mean, since Iīve made people feel sorry and miserable and humiliated, itīs only fair I get my share. Being treated like this is a trip to h***, but it has forced me to face the whys and why nots of my life.
I really canīt believe Iīve only been here for nine days. It feels like a lifetime. Iīm grateful youīre letting me keep the papers and read them all over, sir. The first three embarrases me a lot. Canīt accept Iīve ever been that stupid.
Sir, after Iīve had the next 26 tomorrow, Iīll really try to do well and behave myself. Iīve never felt this miserable in my whole life, and Iīd never thought I would submit to this kind of treatment, but I do, sir, I submit and accept whatever is coming my way right now. I mean, I canīt get any lower than this, anything else will be for the better. Learning the hard way is tough, but I sure wouldnīt have cared otherwise. A lot of people all through my life have tried to change me. At reform school, we had to see a psychologist once a week (heīs on my list, btw), and I just sat there and made fun of him. Most of us did. I was really mean to him and all he did was trying to guide me, make me reflect on where I was going. I was very young then, but thatīs a poor excuse.
Crying and screaming and wetting myself on the rack, in front of other people, has taught me Iīm really not the big time tough guy I thought I were. Itīs easy being tough when youīre in charge. Here, Iīm not, and Iīm forced to face myself every minute of the day. I donīt like what I see. I donīt like being weak and passive, either. As I said before, any change will be for the better.
Sir, I have to go on with the letter now, if Iīm to have it finished tonight. Iīll attach it as usual. I still have half a page left to write here, but Iīm very tired and have to use my energy wisely. Under the circumstances I hope you forgive me for this, sir.
Thank you again, sir, for what youīve done for me so far.